Browse Professor Quotes

Will you go on to your next class, go get something to eat, or shoot smack into your eyeball?
—Professor William Lycan on predicting one's actions by examining their past to see if determinism is true. Philosophy 20
Whatever Toliken was on, it must have been Hobbit-forming!
—Professor Jay Rosenberg, Phil 20, off on a tangent on the possible exitence of hobbits.
This is Lecture #16, think how many hours of your life I have taken from you.
—Patrick J. Curran, Ph.D, Psyc 30, The Statistical Principles of Psychological Research
When describing a case of a psychotic boy who stole women's high heeled shoes, inserted the heel in his navel and masturbated, the class all laughed. Professor Evens said We all laugh now because this story obviously reflects a similar quirk in ourselves
—Professor Evens, Anthropology 46, Evolution of Moral Consciousness
Sex is expensive.
—Professor Dangl, Bio 50 (the amount of ATP necessary for gamete production)
Merovingian writing looks as if a demented chicken has been running across wet sand.
—Professor McVaugh History 015 Medieval History
Who ran me over with that bus?
Satan.
—Mark Bauer, TA
You could even go to Guido the Killer Pimp to get a loan for less than 36%
—Professor C.J. Skender, BA 071, discussing discounted loans
Taking a class during the summer is like drinking out of a firehose.
—John Hernandez, Phyiscs 27 Professor
If you want to wake up on Friday morning and see what it's like to drink a six pack of malt liquor for breakfast, that's your prerogative.
—Prof. Daniels, on his attendence policy in Anth 26
So... by deception, you meant ritual goat sacrifice?
—Professor Tweed; Religion 074; New Religious Movements
It makes sense. If a bear is chasing you through the woods, an erection is the last thing you want to deal with
—Professor Bynum; Biology 45: Human Anatomy and Physiology
You have to realize that 95% of what you read is schlock.
—Professor Ehrman, Reli 22, Intro to the New Testament
There are lots of penises flying around in a satyr play
—Norman Sandrige, TA for Classics 77
The nature of these secret rites were not known to all...they were sort of secret.
—Dr. Jay Smith, History 11, on mystery relgions during the Roman Peace.
You can't keep beating a dead horse, or it will end up hurting you--philosophically.
—Mike Everton, English 12P, speaking about grammar rules.
A 90 minute climax is difficult to sustain.
—Prof. Greg Kable, Drama 15; speaking on modern play construction
If you can't go to college, go to State
—UNC Students at the whipping of the Wolfpack
You should be glad that I graded your essays before the Clemson game.
—Professor Liebhart, Clar 20-ancient cities
Student: Do we have to read subtitles through the whole movie?!
Professor: no, in 20 minutes you'll understand Russian
—Professor Putney at a showing of Andrei Rublev
The propeller goes roundy-roundy.
—LT Michele Day, Naval Science 32 (Naval Ship Systems I) on Thermodynamic Propulsion Systems
Over break my wife had a baby. My other kids weren't poppin' out grandkids fast enough, so I had to do it myself.
—Professor Daniels in Anthropology 121, discussing his holiday activities and disappointment in his adult children.
All the versions I have are on LP. I assumed they had gone to something complex and modern...like an 8 track.
—Professor Ritchie Kendall, English 20, discussing the library's copies of the hottest recording on campusThe Canterbury Tales read in Middle English.
Holding up a box of heart candies, In this box, there is a candy that says 'fax me.' You can start faxing your girlfriend and then she'll start faxing you, and next thing you know, you two will be 'faxin' each other's brains out!!
—Professor C.J. Skinner, Business 71
Learning Thermodynamics is like trying to pick up a bar of soap in the shower... You may think that you have it but you really don't.
—Dr. Eugene Irene in Chem 21
Women: you can't live with them, you can't have heterosexual sex without them.

—Dick Solomon (Third Rock from the Sun)
When I asked what a transgenic animal was, I was told 'you'll know it when you see it.' I am not a transgenic animal.
—Bobby Vagt, president, Davidson College
Enough talk! It's smashin' time!
—Agnes Skinner
Happy Holidays!
—Professor Jolt
There's nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
—Lenny
If you're a guy and you're being chased through the woods by a bear, the last thing you want to deal with is an erection.
—K. Bynum, Biology 45, explaining why erections in men are not caused by the sympathetic nervous system, which is dominant in the body during times of stress or fear.
The day after Thanksgiving, I weighed myself. The scale showed no weight gain. However, I believe after a full, fair reading, the scale's true intent was to show that I had lost weight.
—Frances J. MortonForum in "The News and Observer"
Roses are red, violets are blue,
something, something, something, fuck you.
—Derek Maus, English 24, on standard forms of poetry
Hard work pays off later;
laziness pays off now.
—Steven Wright
She's often described as riding on the back of a lion. You can take that any way you want...
—Professor Verkerk, Art 31, Describing the military/sexual prowess of goddess Ishtar
To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
—Homer Simpson
He thinks he can say that because his name is Dick (Richard) King.
—Professor Lawson, Psychology 10
Free verse is a lot like free love, if it's free it sure ain't love and if it's love it costs everything
—Professor Armitage, English 29, discussing free verse as a writing style.
Let's talk about where the bodies were stashed.
—Professor Verkerk, Art 31, introducing the funerary aspects of the Great Pyramids of Giza
Which would you rather do, fuck or read?
—Prof. Resnick
You can't wear Limp Bizkit's red cap anymore. It's already passe.
—Professor Kendall, English 20, bemoaning the fickle nature of fashion
Artsy-fartsy people have a real edge in this world.
—Prof. Lawson, Psych 10 when talking about achieving altered states of consciousness
I'm thirty and I'm married and I'm mean. You've caught me in the wrong semester.
—Professor Sarah Dessen, whipping her intro to Fiction Writing students in line
If promoting human happiness means I have to prostitute myself, then I'd do it.
—Prof. Resnick explaining Mill's version of utilitarianism
The Mormons moved to Salt Lake Titty..I mean City, Utah. My 6 year old would've loved that.
—Professor Maffly-Kipp, Religion 29, talking about the Mormons trek to Salt Lake City, Utah.
We've had this technology for about 20 years, and it's as crappy today as it was when we first got it!
—Prof. Lee Pedersen on a burned out and out-of-focus overhead projectors; Chemistry 11
She is astride her horse kicking...exactly the way she rides her husbands.
—Professor Kendall, English 20, discussing the more delicate aspects of the Wife of Bath
Trying is the next step towards failure.
—Homer Simpson
Learning prepositions in any language are just a pain in the ass.
—Reyes Caballo Maquez Spanish 2x
Don't mess around with Sacred Chickens.
—Prof. Cecil Wooten, Classics 21
Here's how I see it: Programming with C++ is to programming with Java, as sex is to sex with one of those really old style thick condoms.
—Professor Coggins, Comp 120
So basically, chicken shit rules.

—Prof. George Houston, Classics 44
I'd like to be there when Hugh Hefner is judged. Somebody has to pay for all those big push-up things women wear.
—Professor Verkerk, Art 31
Some of you look like you're having a shitty day. There's an attention-getter. Try to use 'shitty' in a speech. People will definitely listen to you.
—Professor Petit, Oral Communications
That was a very interesting theory ... however, it was completely wrong, now let's move on.
—Dr. Richard Kaye, Davidson College, on subjectivity
Do what ever you want, I don't give a shit - I have tenure.
—Name withheld to protect said professor's tenure
It's more fun than a blue-butt monkey on caffeine!
—Professor Kropp, Chem 65H, in reference to the endless pleasures of organic chemistry
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—Professor Jolt